30 Day Self-Esteem Challenge

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Everyday I strive to better myself but one major thing that I struggle with personally is my self-esteem. I’m going to start a 30 Day Self-Esteem challenge to help improve my self-esteem. I thought this would be an awesome exercise. For those of you who are interested in doing this challenge, here is the Master.

Followers your challenge is to do this with me! 

Day one: A facial feature you like on yourself

Day two: A physical feature you like on yourself

Day three: A part of your personality that you like

Day four: A habit you have that you like

Day five: Something about the way you think that you like

Day six: Something about the way you just are that you like

Day seven: When do you feel best about yourself? Why?

Day eight: The last time you smiled when someone complimented you. What was the compliment and why did you smile?

Day nine: Something that you yourself do that makes you smile. Why?

Day ten: Why are you the way you are?

Day eleven:  Do you like the way you are? Why or why not?

Day twelve: If you could change something about your personality, what would it be and why?

Day thirteen: What do you think of your smile?

Day fourteen: What do you think of your laugh?

Day fifteen: Why do you think people are attracted to you, either friend-wise or romantically?

Day sixteen: The last thing you did that made you smile

Day seventeen: Another thing you like about yourself

Day eighteen: The last thing you did that made you laugh

Day nineteen: Is there a particular outfit/article of clothing/accessory you like on yourself? Why or why not?

Day twenty: If you finish this challenge and still feel that your confidence is low, would you be willing to do it again? Why or why not?

Day twenty-one: When do you feel your most attractive? Why?

Day twenty-two: What do you think others like about your personality?

Day twenty-three: What physical feature do others seem to find most attractive about you?

Day twenty-four: What is your definition of “beautiful”?

Day twenty-five: Do you often compliment other people?

Day twenty-six: What is your favorite compliment to give and receive, and why?

Day twenty-seven: Do you often accept compliments? If not, why?

Day twenty-eight: Do you feel good about yourself today? Why or why not?

Day twenty-nine: When you don’t feel good about yourself, what do you do to change that, if anything?

Day thirty: Are you happy with yourself?

For anyone who wants a simple way to help improve their self esteem, try this simple technique by answering the above questions over the next 30 days.

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Codependency

What is Codependency?

“Codependency is living the myth that you can make yourself happy by trying to control people and events outside yourself. A sense of control, or the lack of it, is central to everything you do and think.

ie. Jennifer Fortisi is the ultimate supermom. She’s the president of the PTA, Brownie leader, and teachers aide. At church she leads a Bible study and coordinates meals for shut-ins. Her house is spotless, she volunteers at the library, and runs a veritable taxi service from her shining-clean station wagon, shuttling kids to and from ballet, karate, church, clubs, and school activities.

Why would anyone create such a hopelessly overwhelming schedule? Jennifer’s father was an alcoholic. She never knew what love and security felt like. Her parents never attended a single school function. Their house was always full of chaos and confusion. And now Jennifer is trying to fix all those things in her past by being the perfect wife and mother. All her frantic activity leaves her exhausted and depressed, with little emotional energy left for the kind of nurturance and love her children really need. Ironically, unless Jennifer deals with her compulsive need to control everything about her family’s life, her children will grow up with the same sense of abandonment and neglect that marred her own childhood.

Codependency is a generational and cultural epidemic. No less than tens of millions of Americans across two concurrent generations suffer problems of codependency. You are not exempt from the problem. The despair codependency has caused in your life is the reason you decided to pick up this workbook. The term codependency is a tool for your recovery. It is NOT a label or stigma of shame.”


 

I’m going to list below the 10 common traits of codependency:

1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.

2. The codependent is bound and tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.

3. The codependent’s self-esteem is very low.

4. The codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.

5. The codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.

6. The codependent’s relationship with a spouse or significant other person is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.

7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.

8. The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well keep on trying to change them.

9. The codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.

10. The codependent is continually looking for something that is missing in life.

Do any of these traits apply to you?

Is time a great healer?

“Codependency usually will not improve with time. It will not get better tomorrow. It may get worse. Codependency is a vicious cycle. Low self-value drives compulsive relationship patterns. These compulsive patterns ultimately drive away the very persons whose love you so desperately desire. There are steps you can take to help you reverse your descent into misery, but you must take them. They won’t just happen. Much depends on your desire to free yourself from the ghosts of your past – the causes of codependency.”

-Love is a Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt


Personally– I am a very codependent person due to my past and dysfunctional family, don’t get me wrong, I love them but growing up was not easy with alcoholic and tempered parents. I find myself in codependent relationships and seeking attention from others more than I should, and I have absolutely no self-esteem. I’m continually working on these issues everyday, I go to therapy every week, my women’s group twice a month and doing a lot of self-help, self-care, self-improvement reading. I’m taking these small steps out of misery.

Below is a video us ladies watched in our women’s group (Sisters Seeking Serenity) yesterday, about codependency.

Finding Love – Article

If You Can’t Find A Good Partner, You’re Probably Making This Mistake

There’s a huge mistake that many people make when it comes to finding love. In this article, I’m going to tell you what that mistake is, and how to change it so you can attract the relationship you want.

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to finding love is: They believe a relationship is going to complete them.

What I mean is: You think something’s missing in your life, and another person will make that feeling go away.

You think that a relationship is the key to you being happy.

If you think this way (even just a little bit), I’m sorry to tell you that this is not the case. In fact, this mindset is sabotaging your experience in love. Here’s why:

1. Other people can feel it when you have anxiety about finding love.

Any time you approach a relationship from a sense of emptiness inside — like something is missing and you’re trying to fill a hole — it will be sensed by the people you’re dating. And it won’t feel good to them.

When you’re confident, your vibe goes something like this:”It’s nice to meet you, and we’ll see if I want to continue spending time with you.”Cool, calm, collected, and probably pretty intriguing.

But when you have that underlying feeling of needing to find a relationship, your entire vibe changes. It feels more like this: “Do you like me?”

Energetically, it’s not attractive. In fact, it has the opposite effect on people; it repels them away. And this is a big problem if you’re looking for love.

2. You attract experiences that match how you’re feeling on the inside.

If you feel like something’s missing in your life, then your experience will bring you proof that this perception is true.

For example, if you’re preoccupied with finding a partner and hyper-focused on not having one, you’ll continue to see the same results of not having a partner. The experience will appear in two specific ways: You’ll either remain single, or find a relationship that keeps you unfulfilled.

That’s probably not the outcome you’re looking for if you desire a loving partnership.

So, knowing all this, what can you do about it? How can you change to feel more secure, at ease, present and confident when you’re looking for love?

You start by searching for the feelings you think a relationship will bring you, inside yourself.

I know that at first you might be skeptical — you may think it’s impossible to feel connected, loved, held and taken care of without a partner. But I promise you that you can.

The most beautiful thing about this process is that once you find these feelings inside of you, you’ll be much more likely to find them in a relationship, too.

People tend overcomplicate this experience, which is referred to as self-love. And while the mind might have a hard time making sense of it, if you take a moment to drop into your heart, it will know exactly what I mean.

Self-love is simply a sense of finding peace, happiness, contentment, acceptance, and love inside of you.

It requires a quite mind, an open heart, and a connection to your inner voice.

You find self-love in a yoga practice.

You find self-love when you meditate.

You find self-love when you journal, go to therapy, and get to know yourself.

You find self-love by setting aside quite time to just be with you.

You have to feel good before you find a partner if you want the relationship to feel good, too.

By creating a practice of finding peace, strength, happiness, and fulfillment within, the sense of needing something outside of you to feel good will start to disappear. And when this happens, ironically, everything you’ve always wanted, including an incredible relationship, will make their way to you.

Over-Thinking

8 Ways to Stop Over-Thinking and Find Peace in the Present Moment

on 9 September, 2014 at 05:05

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We all do our best to stay positive, but occasionally we can slip into negative thinking patterns that can wreak havoc on our lives. We might worry about our past mistakes or current stresses, and how these could lead to negative outcomes in the future. We might obsess about or over-analyze regular experiences and interactions, reading into them things that aren’t actually there. We might find that as soon as one bad thing happens, we associate it with all the other bad things that have happened in our lives and begin to feel miserable. We might feel anxious in the present, having a hard time getting out of our own heads as we worry and obsess about the things that could go wrong.If you find yourself in this place frequently, you are what psychologists call a ruminator, or, an over-thinker, and this way of thinking can be harmful to your health. Psychologists have found that over-thinking can be detrimental to human performance, and can lead to anxiety and depression, especially in women, who are much more likely than men to ruminate on stress and disappointments than men.

As a psychologist and recovering over-thinker myself, I have a lot of compassion for people who end up in these spiraling negative thought patterns. Many over-thinkers are lovely, intelligent, nurturing people who value relationships and care deeply for the people in their lives. Unfortunately, they often push away the very people that they are worrying about or seeking support and reassurance from, because they can become obsessive, anxious, depressed, negative and difficult to be around. This is not a switch in the brain that can be easily flipped off, but rather, a pattern from which it requires dedication and work to recover. Based on research in psychology and my personal experiences, here is my advice for how to stop over-thinking and find peace in the present moment:

1) Accept that You Have a Problem with Over-Thinking.

The first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem. If you feel like you can’t get out of your own head and over-thinking is stopping you from living a happy life, making decisions, getting things done, or forming meaningful relationships, then you have a problem. If you find yourself spiraling into negativity and depression when a bad thing happens, you have a problem. If your anxiety about the future is stopping you from enjoying the present, you have a problem. Burying your head in the sand or denying this reality will only make the situation worse. If you are not sure if you have a problem, ask your friends and loved ones to be honest with you, because they are usually the ones who will see it even if you cannot.

2) Forgive Yourself: Our Brains are Hardwired This Way

Once you can admit that you are an over-thinker, forgive yourself, because the brain is actually wired to make over-thinking a natural tendency. According to Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, the leading expert in this field, “the organization of our brains sets us up for over-thinking” because our thoughts and memories are intrinsically woven together, not compartmentalized. So when stressors are triggered or you get into a bad mood, it can unlock a ‘cascade’ of racing negative thoughts that have nothing to do with the original trigger for the bad mood. Nolen-Hoeksema gives the example of “when poor job performance causes you to think about your aunt who died last year.”

Furthermore, when something bad happens or someone is feeling negative, they are more likely to think negative things and also see connections (that may not actually exist) between all the bad events that have happened in their lives. The more frequently this happens, the more likely the individual is to engage in this over-thinking pattern in the future.

While the brain might be wired to make these associations, once you become aware you can begin to solve the problem.

3) Breathe More

If our brains are wired in this ‘interconnected spider web’ where one bad event can trigger a tidal wave of negative thought associations, how can we break this pattern?

The first and easiest thing you can do is BREATHE. Breathing will relax you, calm you, connect you to the present moment, and ground you to Mother Earth. It sounds so simple but often when our mind starts to race to bad places, we become manic and frantic when what we need to do is relax the body and mind.

The breathing technique that works for me involves lying down and taking a two-second long deep inhalation in through the nose, followed by a four-second long exhalation out through the mouth. This breathing pattern increases the CO2 in the bloodstream, which can relax the body and calm the adrenal system’s response to the obsessive thoughts. Do this for 10 minutes or until the excessive thinking slows down.

4) Talk Less

So many over-thinkers, especially those of us of the female persuasion, can’t help but want to ‘talk it out’ when we are feeling stressed and worried. While talking about the worries can sometimes help, it usually will make things worse, especially if the person you are talking to is also an over-thinker, and you spend the entire time over-analyzing and dissecting every detail of every negative problem in your lives. You might end up working yourself up into a frenzy of negativity and feeling even more upset after the conversation.

This type of co-rumination, where two ruminators get together to over-think about their lives together, can lead both people deeper into negativity and stress. For example, research has uncovered an association between co-rumination amongst female friends and increases in the stress hormone cortisol.

If you really feel the need to express your issues, you can always write them down, to clear them out of your mind and realize that your concerns might sound silly when you read them back to yourself. This type of free-association journaling has been incredibly beneficial for me.

5) Get Physical and Get Busy

What should you do instead of talking? Well, you already know to breathe to calm the body and mind, but sometimes you just want to let the energy out! In this case it can be incredibly beneficial to do something physical, whether it is going for a brisk walk, playing with a pet or children, doing yoga, playing sports, swimming, or running. Activities that are both mentally and physically engrossing are the best, because they require enough absorption to pull you out of obsessive thinking patterns and into a state of flow.

In addition to physical exercises, engrossing activities that stimulate the brain can also be effective for redirecting obsessive thought patterns. Playing cards, learning a language, or playing all different types of games can be great diversions or interrupters of these thoughts. Or you could always learn a new hobby, make art, draw, paint or take up crafting, such as making jewelry, clothes, dream catchers, hair extensions, really anything, You might actually discover a hidden talent you never knew you had, or be able to start a new career or meet new people as a result.

6) Practice Mindfulness

One of the big things that over-thinkers struggle with is the ability to live in the present moment. So consumed by the failures of the past and the worries over the future, the present moment does not get the attention and love it deserves. Lao Tzu said that “if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, and if you are at peace you are living in the present.” So how can we live in peace in the present moment?

Well, we have already discussed some of the strategies that can help you quiet the mind and ground yourself to present moment, including breathing, talking less, getting physical and doing other activities that help redirect attention and bring the mind into flow. But one of the best things you can possibly do is practice mindfulness, a form of meditation where you focus on the present moment without judgment. As the obsessive, worrying thoughts come in, you acknowledge them, and then let them go, energetically releasing them and clearing your space. I strongly recommend learning mindful meditation techniques such as Transcendental Meditation, or if you are having trouble doing it yourself, seeking counseling from someone who practices Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.

7)   Surrender to the Universe

When we worry, we are essentially hoping to control the flow of life because we are attached to the outcome of a situation. We want things to happen a certain way, and we are terrified that things could go wrong or that bad things could happen. In reality, we have little to no control over the unfolding of events in life, at least not from the conscious standpoint that our worrying will directly impact the outcome in the way we want. So, we can worry and obsess, or we can accept all that IS and let go of our attachment to the outcomes. The universe is way older and wiser than us, and instead of obsessively worrying, we can let go of control and with love and trust, surrender to the universe.

Surrender does not mean giving up; It just means you are willing to go with the flow of the current, instead of trying to swim against it and getting repeatedly bashed into the rocks. Surrender is a form of release and a form of peace, because it means you are willing to trust that everything will work out as it is supposed to: Trust that everything happens in its proper time and place and you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Even the concept of worrying about ‘good’ or ‘bad’ outcomes is flawed from this perspective and nothing more than a symptom of duality, which is only an illusion. As you zoom out to the grand scheme of the universe, there is no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – it is all ONE, two sides of the same coin.

8)   Remember, Your Thoughts Create Your Reality

Even though I just said that ‘we have no control over the unfolding of events in life,’ and this is true at least from the part of the conscious mind and its ability to dictate events, our thoughts do energetically shape and create our reality over time. Like attracts like, and so the more you worry about something, the more you will begin to attract exactly the energy you are worried about! If you still haven’t seen the wonderful online series Spirit Science, I strongly recommend you view Episode 1, which does an excellent job explaining how our thoughts create our reality.

We must be mindful of our thoughts because our thoughts have power, more than we realize. If you obsessively fear losing your job, you are actually INCREASING the likelihood of getting fired, not decreasing it. Same if you are worrying about contracting a life-threatening disease or medical condition: The more energy you send in that direction, the more likely you are to unknowingly give permission to your body to manifest this condition.

Your thoughts and feelings will energetically create your life, which is why my life partner, sound healer Jimmy Ohm always says, “Worrying is a misuse of creative energy.” Do you want to create a happy life, living at peace in the momentt? If so, you have all of the tools to make this a reality by being mindful and present in your thoughts. You also have all of the tools to create a life of worry and negativity, if you continue to over-think and obsess about negative events. The choice is yours and I lovingly hope that you choose wisely. Blessings and Love!

#100HappyDays – Challenge

I’ve heard of the 100 Happy Days Challenge, but today I decided to look into it. I think it’s a cute idea!

We live in times when super-busy schedules have become something to boast about. While the speed of life increases, there is less and less time to enjoy the moment that you are in. The ability to appreciate the moment, the environment and yourself in it, is the base for the bridge towardslong term happiness of any human being.

71% of people tried to complete this challenge, but failed quoting lack of time as the main reason. These people simply did not have time to be happy. Do you?
The Challenge is to post a picture of something that makes YOU happy, everyday. It can be anything from a meet-up with a friend to a very tasty cake in the nearby coffee place, from a feeling of being at home after a hard day to a favor you did for a stranger.
 
#100happyday challenge is for you – not for anyone else.
It is not a happiness competition or a showing off contest. If you try to please / make others jealous via your pictures – you lose without even starting.
I am starting my 100 day challenge on Monday, Sept. 1st. via Instagram (kla.fae). I will share a picture of what made me happy everyday and link it to my blog for those of you who do not follow my IG. I encourage you to try it!

🙂

Day 6: BPD Challenge (Love Life)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 6: How’s your love life?

My love life sucks. I am a heart breaker and have destroyed every relationship I’ve been in.  I am currently single for the first time in my life. I have always gone from one relationship to the next since I was 15 years old. I have never had the chance to love myself, or be alone. My current goal is to be single for as long as I possible, taking it month by month. I want to over come my fear of being alone and I want to battle out these episodes alone. I am so tired of hurting people, I am tired of being this way. Deep down, all I want is a healthy, honest, happy relationship. But, I need to be healthy, honest and happy with myself first in order to have a successful relationship later down the road.

I get lonely at times, but I have been keeping myself busy with working out, quit drinking, therapy, this new website of mine, working and spending extra time with my kids working on projects together. I’ve even lost 10 pounds! There has been so much self-pride lately and I hope it stays this way.

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