Day 13: BPD Challenge (Perfectionist)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 13: Are you a perfectionist?

YES!! Everything I do has to be perfect. I strive to be the best at everything, especially with things I’m most passionate about. At work and at home, I would rather do things on my own because I know they will get done right. I hate walking into my kitchen with my bowls in the wrong spot, or I can’t find my cup. It sets my mood wrong. I love working as a team for ideas and collaboration, however I’d rather do the work myself. Everything has to be 100%. I tend to focus on my failures more so than my success’, and when I don’t get praise from someone, I feel I didn’t work hard enough and I will push myself to do better next time. This can be a great characteristic in the business environment; my work ethic is pretty great. There are definitely cons to being a perfectionist. If I am not perfect at something or If I do not get praise then this can cause me to be down, depressed and irritable.

perfectionist-image

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Day 11: BPD Challenge (Staying Grounded)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 11: Is there anything you do that helps keep you grounded?

My kids keep me grounded. They are a blessing, without them I would be completely lost and probably making impulsive decisions all the time. They help keep me focused on my priorities. They are a challenge and keep me on my toes, which I love. They are my world. When I don’t have my kids with me, and being alone, I get this over whelming feeling of “I can go do whatever I want right now.” This can hurt me, I can easily spend more money, goof off, not get my chores or homework done because I just want to get out and be free for the night. I have been single for a while now and so when I do not have my kids, I have been pretty good about staying home, saving money, working on my blog, working out, running and doing homework. I notice that at the end of the day, I go to bed feeling happier that I accomplished so many great and healthy things over the course of the day.

Day 4 & 5: BPD Challenge (Suicide)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?
  • Day 5: Have you ever written a suicide note?

I remember every detail of when I hit my level of rock bottom. It was 3 years ago, I had just left my husband and was living in my own apartment, I had never been on my own in my entire life. I had no idea how to handle finances, or how to be a single parent to my two kids. My ex-husband had me on a pedestal and took care of everything the 7 years we were together. Most of my family disowned me for a few minutes there for cheating and leaving my husband instead of trying to make the marriage work, but I was in love with someone else and didn’t think the marriage could be repaired at the time. I was selfish, dumb and acted on impulse. This new man that I had fallen so head over heals with was supposedly head over heals for me, but was leading both his ex wife and myself on. I didn’t know who he wanted to be with, and the fact that I had to even question that is pretty pathetic, but like I said, I was dumb. I fell in love with the wrong man, but he was the only man I wanted to spend my life with. After a few long months of him leading us both on, and people whispering in my ear about how dumb I was, I had enough. I couldn’t function anymore, I was losing my fight, my battle to win him over. I was slowly slipping into depression. To top it all off, I racked up my credit cards and was living paycheck to paycheck. Shortly after, received an eviction notice on my front door. I was falling apart. I felt terrified, alone, sad, heart broken. I felt like a horrible mother. I was in the ER with panic attacks, stayed up late at night having trouble breathing.  It was the worst feeling in the world.

It was 11am on a Saturday morning when I was lying on the floor of my apartment shaking, and crying.  I thought to myself, I can’t move. I can’t do this, I want out. I’m done. Then a few minutes of thinking, it hit me. My kids. Oh my God, I don’t want them to struggle, I don’t want them to not have a mother, they were so little. Just thinking about my kids made me instantly sit up and seek some serious help. I don’t think I left my couch all weekend, but that Monday morning I was making an emergency therapy appointment. I needed to talk to someone, anyone. That first session with my therapist, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder based on my history and stories and from there, I slowly started picking up the pieces and getting through everything one day at a time.

No, I have never attempted suicide, or written a suicide letter. This was my rock bottom moment, but even at my worst, I couldn’t handle the thought of suicide because of my two beautiful kids. They mean the world to me, they are why I get out of bed every morning.

 If you are having thoughts of suicide, or know someone struggling with suicide, please call 1-800-273- 8255 or visit: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

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Day 3: BPD Challenge (Self-Harm)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 3: Do you self-harm? If yes, how?

Self-harm is mainly used as a way of trying to cope with strong feelings and emotions. The reasons people self-harm can really vary, however, many people engaging in self-harm have gone through tough experiences or damaging relationships which they are trying to cope with.

I do not physically harm my body. I never have. I have two beautiful children and the last thing I want is my child to ask me what I did to my body, why I would do such a thing to my body and think it is okay to harm theirs.

For anyone that self-harms;

Seek professional help- There are a number of professional treatments available if you talk to a doctor, counsellor or psychologist. Some of these include talk therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy (an approach based on the idea of mindfulness), as well as certain medications. By talking to an expert you’re able to get a tailored treatment plan that will be adapted to your individual circumstances.

Use online and phone services- If you’d rather not talk to someone face-to-face, check out info on support services like Kids Helpline, Lifeline and eheadspace which provide both phone and online support services.

Enlist a support team- There is always someone out there who cares about your welfare; whether it’s a family member, friend, counsellor or doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and tell someone how you’re feeling.

Practice self-help- There are heaps of techniques you can use to help yourself avoid using self-harm. The more alternatives to self-harm you provide yourself with, the more likely you are to develop more successful coping strategies.

Try different things- Don’t be put off if your attempt to give up self-harm doesn’t work the first time around. Different approaches, as well as different treatments, work for different people so be ready to experiment with what works for you.

New Challenge: 31 Days of BPD Master List

I saw this and thought this would be an awesome exercise for me as I struggle with BPD.

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?
  • Day 2: Why did your last friendship end?
  • Day 3: Do you self-harm? If yes, how?
  • Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?
  • Day 5: Have you ever written a suicide note?
  • Day 6: How’s your love life?
  • Day 7: Have you ever dissociated? If so, how often?
  • Day 8: Do you have any other diagnoses? Which ones?
  • Day 9: Do you get mood swings?
  • Day 10: What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?
  • Day 11: Is there anything you do that helps keep you grounded?
  • Day 12: What’s your relationship with your family?
  • Day 13: Are you a perfectionist?
  • Day 14: Do you ever become obsessive?
  • Day 15: Have you ever changed your opinions, depending on the people you are with?
  • Day 16: Does your style (clothing, hair, etc.) change a lot?
  • Day 17: What are five of your biggest fears?
  • Day 18: Do you worry what people think of you?
  • Day 19: What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?
  • Day 20: How do you usually express yourself?
  • Day 21: How many people know about your diagnosis?
  • Day 22: What’s a random story from your childhood?
  • Day 23: How do you think other people see you?
  • Day 24: If you could pick one year of your life to give back and start over, which one would it be?
  • Day 25: What’s one thing you wish non-borderlines could understand?
  • Day 26: Name three fictional characters you relate to.
  • Day 27: Do you have any bad habits?
  • Day 28: Do you consider yourself high-functioning or low-functioning?
  • Day 29: If your mind was a house, what would the house look like?
  • Day 30: What is your “safe place” when you are upset? (This can also be a person.)
  • Day 31: Post a picture of yourself and tell us your story.