Day 4 & 5: BPD Challenge (Suicide)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?
  • Day 5: Have you ever written a suicide note?

I remember every detail of when I hit my level of rock bottom. It was 3 years ago, I had just left my husband and was living in my own apartment, I had never been on my own in my entire life. I had no idea how to handle finances, or how to be a single parent to my two kids. My ex-husband had me on a pedestal and took care of everything the 7 years we were together. Most of my family disowned me for a few minutes there for cheating and leaving my husband instead of trying to make the marriage work, but I was in love with someone else and didn’t think the marriage could be repaired at the time. I was selfish, dumb and acted on impulse. This new man that I had fallen so head over heals with was supposedly head over heals for me, but was leading both his ex wife and myself on. I didn’t know who he wanted to be with, and the fact that I had to even question that is pretty pathetic, but like I said, I was dumb. I fell in love with the wrong man, but he was the only man I wanted to spend my life with. After a few long months of him leading us both on, and people whispering in my ear about how dumb I was, I had enough. I couldn’t function anymore, I was losing my fight, my battle to win him over. I was slowly slipping into depression. To top it all off, I racked up my credit cards and was living paycheck to paycheck. Shortly after, received an eviction notice on my front door. I was falling apart. I felt terrified, alone, sad, heart broken. I felt like a horrible mother. I was in the ER with panic attacks, stayed up late at night having trouble breathing.  It was the worst feeling in the world.

It was 11am on a Saturday morning when I was lying on the floor of my apartment shaking, and crying.  I thought to myself, I can’t move. I can’t do this, I want out. I’m done. Then a few minutes of thinking, it hit me. My kids. Oh my God, I don’t want them to struggle, I don’t want them to not have a mother, they were so little. Just thinking about my kids made me instantly sit up and seek some serious help. I don’t think I left my couch all weekend, but that Monday morning I was making an emergency therapy appointment. I needed to talk to someone, anyone. That first session with my therapist, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder based on my history and stories and from there, I slowly started picking up the pieces and getting through everything one day at a time.

No, I have never attempted suicide, or written a suicide letter. This was my rock bottom moment, but even at my worst, I couldn’t handle the thought of suicide because of my two beautiful kids. They mean the world to me, they are why I get out of bed every morning.

 If you are having thoughts of suicide, or know someone struggling with suicide, please call 1-800-273- 8255 or visit: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

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Day 2: BPD Challenge (Friendship)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 2: Why did your last friendship end?

My last friendship ended because I found out my girlfriend was having an affair, cheating on her husband, with someone she worked with. As someone that has cheated in the past, I worked really hard to earn trust and forgiveness in those I hurt, and myself. I went to a number of therapy sessions, read books and changed my lifestyle completely to avoid going back down that road again. This girlfriend of mine was in my life when I cheated, saw what I went through, and the struggle it was to get back on my feet. Yet, the sweetest, most innocent (or so I thought) person I knew, was cheating on her husband of 10 years and decided to talk to me about it. I didn’t take this lightly. What is she thinking?

While I was trying to get back on my feet, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After research and learning what a challenge that was going to be, I knew I didn’t want to associate myself around people like her anymore. This was a tough decision for me as our kids were close and she was the closest friend I had. I didn’t know if I was making the right decision. If it hurts to lose a best friend, imagine what it would feel like to lose your husband and your kid. Don’t get me wrong, I tried to help her. I tried to get her to understand that she needed help, to talk to someone, to tell her husband and start working on herself. Guilt is the worst, it will eat you alive. Who wants to live that way? I sure didn’t. She didn’t want to take my advice and I didn’t want to hear about it, and I certainly didn’t want to be her excuse to leave the house just to text her boyfriend all night. So I walked away from the friendship. I didn’t talk bad about her, I told her I would be there if she ever decided to get help, but in the meantime I wanted away from something that I once struggled with. Did I make the right decision? I don’t know. I miss her everyday.