Friendships In Recovery

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Especially when you’re in recovery. It’s important to have a solid support group around you. If your “friends” don’t support you or help you through the hard times then maybe consider taking a step back like I did and continue to do. Maybe they don’t understand your journey or difficult times. They don’t need to. Just be you and continue on with those who do support you and understand. Surround yourself around people who inspire you and motivate you through recovery.

I recently went through my personal Instagram and Facebook and deleted a few hundred people. Not because they are bad people or I don’t get along with them, but simply because it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality of those friendships. Not to mention the amount of negativity out there on social media, I have to keep my environment positive. I keep those around me who are there for me, motivate me, inspire me and support me. Thank you to all that do.

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My BPD Thoughts

Today is a tough one for me, so I’m going to write this out and see if it makes me feel better. I’ve never actually wrote a blog while I was having an episode. These are my current random thoughts this morning:


 

My heart is racing a million miles a minute, I can’t seem to calm myself down.

I just had therapy yesterday and it well, why do I feel this way?

I called in sick yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well, I was stressed, I had a lot of things to take care of, yet nothing was accomplished. I tried. Why can’t anything go right for once?

Finances suck balls; Registration is due, speeding ticket is due, smog check is due, car needs repairs. Of course, everything falls into my lap all at once. #57 BPD

I tried to book a hotel for a future small trip I’m taking soon and of course I booked it for the wrong day, I wasn’t thinking. I call customer service and after trying to resolve the issue; I snapped at the lady. I rarely lose my temper, especially when the issue was my own damn fault. Why did I do that? Now I feel bad and I can’t apologize.

I had to come into work today, although I feel that nobody really needs me around here I’d still feel bad if I left. Why do I feel bad? My health should be my number one concern.

They took a job task away from me yesterday and gave it to someone else while I was out of the office. That fucking hurts, they know I’m always asking for more, they know I need the challenge. Why did they do that to me? They must hate me.

My thoughts are all over the place. Why can’t I calm down and just breathe?

Another admin at work is vindictive; nobody likes her. She’s picking a fight with me via email and there’s nothing I can do about it. I really wish she didn’t work here anymore. Wait. I really wish I didn’t work here anymore. Fuck this place.

I sleep 10 hours a day and it’s not enough, I’m so exhausted. I must be slipping into depression.

I’m hiding in my cubicle today, trying to catch up from yesterday. I can’t focus on anything! If one more person walks over and asks for something, I might lose it. Let me at least have my coffee first and catch up on my damn emails.

My boss last week told me that he knows when I am struggling with my disorder. I asked how he could tell aside from alienating myself from everyone in the workplace and hiding in my cubicle with my headphones in. He said, “I can tell because on days you struggle, you look like shit! You don’t do your hair, you don’t do your make-up, you look so exhausted.” His phone rang it was an “Important call” and he shushed me away. He apologized the next day, but why does it still bother me? I don’t even want to look at him. I always keep it professional and try to look my best. Knowing that I’m struggling today, do I look like shit? Can people tell?

Nobody has yet to ask me if I’m feeling okay? Did they even notice I was gone yesterday? Fuck, even my boss didn’t acknowledge my text about calling in sick yesterday. I guess he doesn’t give a shit. Nobody cares.

Apparently I forgot to punch out for lunch last week. They didn’t make the corrections because I was out of the office so now I’m going to be shorted on my paycheck tomorrow. Let’s just add onto the financial stress! #68 BPD

I just really want to be in bed, watching friends. That always makes me feel better.

I’m trying to find a new place on my own, but with an eviction 3 years ago and bankruptcy, I keep getting rejected. I’m never going to find a place for me and my kids. Stupid past mistakes! I’ve come so far, I really wish someone would give me a chance.

Headphones are in; music isn’t helping. Music almost always helps. I must be having a really bad low.

Kayla, all this shit is just in your head. I’m usually positive, think positive!

Just took my Lamictal, wish I didn’t have to take meds to calm me down. Why am I not strong enough to control these ridiculous thoughts?

Tonight is my night off without babies. A night to myself. OMG I can’t wait to do absolutely nothing! Yup, I must be slipping into depression. I always keep myself busy, but fuck it. I don’t want to right now.

My heart is still beating out of my chest. I need to focus. Breathe.

Why did I turn out this way? Why do I still struggle every once in a while? What triggered this?

Please dear God, don’t let me break down crying in the office. That would be embarrassing.

I need to schedule an appointment for taxes, I usually always get a lot back every year. What if I don’t? I really want to pay off debt but with my luck, I’ll have to owe this year. Sigh.

This feels weird opening up and venting to complete strangers, I hate complaining. I usually always keep to myself.

I’m not going to let this ruin my day, I can’t. I’m okay.

I can make it through one bad day. I’m not dying, it could be so much worse. Cheer up Kayla.

Nobody hates you. I have two beautiful kids that love me and a very loving boyfriend. Gosh he’s amazing.

I need to stop fighting this episode and just embrace it. I got this. It’s okay to be okay. #51 BPD

I have so many things to be grateful for. I need to focus on that, oh and these damn reports that are overdue.

This isn’t my all time low, I’ve felt worse before. I picked myself up then, I can pick myself up now.

I should get back to work, after I get some more coffee of course, and food. Food always makes me feel better.

Breathe. Just Breathe. I am not alone. I can overcome this.

Peace out.

 

 

 

6 Things to Stop Expecting From Others – Article

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

“Don’t expect people to respect you if you don’t respect yourself enough
Your self-perception is the most significant clue for who you really are. It guides people when they are looking for a way to get to you, to talk to you, to see you. You should understand that you cannot expect them to respect you if you don’t respect yourself enough. They won’t admire you, if you don’t admire yourself. Decide this minute to stop looking in the others for a proof that you are beautiful, strong, capable. Believe it or not, you are extraordinary. Never doubt that!
Stop expecting people to know what you are thinking
Have you ever been disappointed by somebody’s actions or inaction just because you haven’t really explained yourself or you haven’t given any signs of how you prefer to be approached? Well, then it’s time to realize that people don’t read minds. Save yourself the disappointment and stop expecting them to know what you’re thinking. Communication is the key to healthy relationships and inner peace. When getting to know a new partner – skip the games and speak your mind. When you have some issues with friends – be honest and willing to discuss. When feeling it’s time for a promotion – be clear about it and ready to prove you deserve it. Of course, there are things that need to be felt, instead of told, so be mindful of that and approach situations with open mind.

So yeah, being open and sharing your thoughts will spare you unpleasant misunderstandings and complications, it will really make your life more awesome.

Stop expecting from everyone to make you happy

There is always someone out there destined to make you happy but don’t go looking for them. Stop expecting that every single person you encounter in your life is there to bring you joy and felicity. Sometimes you will feel like someone is just screwing things up for you. Judging and getting angry won’t help. Accept the fact that the most natural thing for a human being is the goal of personal happiness. Sometimes the idea of it might be in an acute conflict with your idea of happiness. You should understand that this is perfectly fine and you are perfectly capable of being happy without their contribution. But sometimes their idea of happiness may include you being happy and then you have met someone precious you should probably stick with.

Stop relying on others for your own well-being
Once you get used to depending on someone else for your own well-being, you stop putting enough effort on taking care of yourself. Instead of feeling a constant lack of someone’s presence, try to focus on your own! Don’t justify your laziness about getting your stuff together with the thought that everything will come to order once you meet that person. No one else should have a greater control of your own here-and-now. Throw away the belief that your life will become better if only you met “the right person” because you forget to live while expecting them to just show up. In your own life you are the rightest person that is always there.

Don’t expect people to be fine all the time
It’s a good thing to put ourselves first but this shouldn’t mean neglecting other people’s importance. Be kind and delicate for everyone you meet is fighting their own battles you might not know anything about. Don’t expect people to be fine all the time. No one is problem-free. Teach yourself to empathy and compassion. Be prepared to find some rudeness, indifference or even cruelty around. But don’t be in a hurry to judge. Everyone has their reason and the right to not be all right.

Stop expecting people to fit in your idea of who they are
We all know how exhausting and frustrating it is trying to fit in other people’s expectations of what we are supposed to be like. What we pretty often miss on is the fact that it is the same thing the other way round. That is why we need to stop insisting on others to change just because we have a particular vision of what we want them to be. Growing up spiritually requires generosity but not in the material meaning. By giving people the freedom to be who they are while still sticking around, you give them wings to fly and someone to fly with. Don’t mistaken accepting with putting up with something that will make you miserable. If you find in somebody qualities you can’t live with, it means this person shouldn’t be part of your life. But expecting them to change is just redundant.
Expectations are difficult to deal with. They come naturally but tend to lead to a lot of mess most of the times. So before starting to anticipate again, take a minute to analyze. Have you done your part before expecting others to do theirs? Have you put yourself in those people’s shoes? Are you sure you are having the right people in your life?

It is never too late to change our ways if this means to be content and in peace with ourselves.”

Day 21: BPD Challenge (Diagnosis)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 21: How many people know about your diagnosis?

Not many people know for one main reason. I was diagnosed three years ago on the first therapy session, I’ve always questioned if I have BPD or Bipolar, since then I have been doing research, seeked out another therapist for her opinion and have been doing a lot of reading. Whatever I have, I don’t suffer from it. I know I have mood swings from time to time just like any other girl. I have tried a bunch of different things (like eliminate birth control) to see what helps and doesn’t help me. It’s a learning process.

Day 20: BPD Challenge (Expressing Yourself)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 20: How do you usually express yourself?

I express myself through music and writing. I love listening to music and singing in my car at the top of my lungs. It is the best feeling to me and completely changes my mood.

I love writing and blogging, this blog/website of mine has completely helped me to express myself.

 

Day 19: BPD Challenge (Lyrics)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 19: What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?

“All I Want”

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy woman I’m sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I’ve never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody.

Oh

If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
All I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oh

Day 18: BPD Challenge (Opinions of others)

I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness.  All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.

  • Day 18: Do you worry what people think of you?

I usually do worry about how others perceive me. Not as much today than I did four years ago but it’s still there. It doesn’t change over night. I worry that if people actually knew about my disorder or how I am deep down, they would judge me or think I am crazy. I do not talk about my website, blog or feelings to people other than my family because I’m not ready yet. I worry what they might think of me.

A friend of mine recently told me, “Your FB is so fancy, you seem so fancy, so classy”. I laughed so hard when he said that, I thought to myself, I am far from fancy and classy. I’m just a typical laid back girl with mild mood swings. But he was right, I scanned through my FB and sure enough, I made everything look fancy; photos, filters, posts. I guess I want others to perceive me as doing well, or sane and normal. Then again, most people do that on social media. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Once we started hanging out, he said. “Wow you are really cool, laid back and not ‘fancy’ like I thought you were. I like this person in front of me.” Ever since then, I try to not care so much of how others think on social media. I am me, and that is okay. It ended up being our thing, our inside joke, if something was “Too fancy” we avoided it and laughed.

Four years ago I was terrified to be alone. I was so scared of what others may think of me that I let it control me. Just yesterday, I was bored and lonely. Didn’t have anyone to hang out with, then realized there was a movie I really wanted to see (This is where I leave you). For a minute I thought, “I wish I had someone to go with.” Then without hesitating, grabbed my purse and went to the movies all by myself. Four years ago I would have never done that, I cared that others might think, “look at that girl all by herself like a loser.” Not today, I just went for it. It was so liberating for me, I didn’t care what ANYONE thought. I went on a date with myself and it felt great. That’s all that matters.

Recovering the Desire to Live

Recovering the Desire to Live

  • Posted on: 14 September 2014
  • By: Leah Harris

“Though my last suicide attempt was 20 years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the eve of my 18th birthday. I left the hospital bewildered, scared, and unsure of what would happen next.

At the time, I didn’t have much of a support system. I remember sitting on a ratty couch with my knees hugged up to my chest, trying to decide whether or not to keep on living. In those moments, something inexplicable inside of me shifted, and the part of me that wanted to live gained just the slightest advantage over the part that wanted to die.

I reached out to my family and begged them to let me come home. I began to complete my high school education. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had something to hold on to, just a hint of solid ground beneath my feet.

Recovering the desire to live has been a long and uneven process since then. If recovery seems like an impossible concept to you as you read this, I understand. I had to take baby steps. I had to swallow my shame and ask for a lot of help. I had to find something, anything, to believe in, no matter how small. I had to work very hard, every day, to keep the part of me that wanted to live stronger than the part that wanted to die. I’ve found relief through cultivating a group of dedicated and supportive friends.

Don’t be ashamed or afraid to tell the truth of what you have known. By doing so, you break down the walls of silence and shame that surround suicide. You can use your own survival story, no matter how messy or uneven or imperfect it may be, to help someone else strengthen the part inside that wants to live. In this way, we can each make this world a safer place to fall apart, and to find ourselves again, in the healing space of supportive community.”

TWLOHA

Love Yourself- Article

HOW TO QUIT NEGATIVE SELF-TALK AND GET HAPPY

“Negative self talk! Why have we all fallen victim to this nasty state of bringing ourselves down? Let’s get one thing clear, self-talk isn’t just mindless chatter spiraling around in your head. It has a way of creating its own reality. Telling yourself you can’t do something can make that come true. Tell yourself you’ll never lose weight and it can be like eating a box of doughnuts. Tell yourself it’s too hard to find a new career and you will be likely to continue the cycle of disliking your old job and stay within that exact rut.

“Self-talk dictates how you relate to yourself and how you show up for other people. Let’s say you think you have nothing interesting to say. If you keep telling yourself that, other people are going to see you that way too.” – Franco Beneduce

People who think negatively tend to be less outgoing and have weaker social networks than positive thinkers. Multiple studies link positive emotions with more satisfying relationships, more romance and even lower rates of divorce and separation.

self-talkThe more you focus on negative events or shortcomings, the harder it is to put them behind you. In a survey of 231 college students, those with a positive outlook in life were more likely to look back on negative events and report how much better things are for them now. There are lessons in every challenge and an opportunity for growth. Acknowledge a bad day as just that, a bad day, don’t allow a certain event, conversation or let down determine your happiness.

If negative self-talk came with an off switch, you could just flip it off and be done with it. But it doesn’t. It takes a plan and some work to tone it down. Learning to dispute negative thoughts might take time and practice, but it is worth every effort. Once you start looking at it you’ll probably be surprised by how much of your thinking is inaccurate, exaggerated, or focused solely on the negatives of the situation. Here are a few ways to work through it.

Focus On Something Else

Over-thinking involves focusing on a train of thought that goes around and around. You can stop that train of thought by focusing on something else, ANYTHING ELSE! Read a book, breathe, get outside for 5 minutes, rest, make lunch, whatever it takes to break that thought pattern. We can stay in the victim state forever if we don’t choose to break free of the patterns.

Dispute It

You might ask yourself, “Is that really true? Is there another way to look at this situation? Is thinking this way helping me to feel good or to achieve my goals?” You may also look for some benefits. If you missed that job promotion, are there any lessons for the future you can take from the situation? Or could another opportunity come out of it? Was that really right for you, for your path?

Listen To Your BodySelf Talk

Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking. Whenever you find yourself feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and become aware of your thoughts. I say this all of the time, your body knows exactly what you need, LISTEN TO IT!

So Why Do We Do It?

Why are you negatively talking down to yourself? BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE BETTER! So why are we focusing on what is wrong, bad, not exactly where we want it to be and creating more of just that? Up until now you may have been unaware of your thoughts manifesting your reality, but you have the tools to build a healthier thought pattern now. Focus on what is going well in your life, I can promise you there are some! Dwelling on the past, what has gone wrong and what isn’t going right for you will only manifest more of those patterns for you. It’s a hard concept for some to accept that we are our own creators but until we believe that, we are continuing the cycle of giving away our own power.

Moving Forward – Get To The Source

Recognizing that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective. You can conquer your negative self-talk today by challenging yourself with the questions above every time you catch yourself thinking something negative to yourself. When you find the source of why you do it, you can kick it for good.”