Fear

fighting fear

How do you manage your fear going through everyday life?

Face it and embrace it. My biggest fear was being alone, doing things alone, going places alone. I hated the idea of it, made me sick to my stomach. I always had boyfriends because of it, I “needed” someone all the time. But then I started hating the idea of not doing things I wanted or going places I wanted to go to because I was alone. Six months ago I broke up with my boyfriend, to be single and alone. It was terrifying for me to face it but I love a good challenge and I had hope that I could overcome my fear. People do it all the time, so why can’t I? I’m braver than some people I know, so of course I could do it. I took baby steps from that point forward. Instead of traveling the world all alone, I thought it would be wise to sit in a restaurant by myself first, then go to some new place local by myself, then started traveling out of town by myself, getting a hotel by myself and the list just keeps getting better and better. Six months in and I can honestly say I no longer have a fear of being alone. There is nothing lonely about being alone. Embrace your fears, face them and learn to love them, if possible.
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Anger

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How do you deal with anger in a positive manner?
As a mental health advocate, I always say, “Take something negative and turn it into something positive.” I have a temper sometimes, it used to be really bad but I have managed to change my perspective and start thinking more positively. I used to think that feeling anger was a bad thing, mainly because my dad was always angry and I hated it. It’s not bad thing, It’s okay to be angry, to feel anger. It’s how you handle that anger that can determine if it’s good or bad. When someone lies to me, I feel angry. That is normal. How I react on that anger could affect myself, my kids and others around me. When I get angry, the first and most important thing I do is try to think rationally. I tell myself that I’m aware I’m feeling angry. Once I’m aware of my feelings or emotions, it’s easier for me to control them. I used to be the type of person to react on my anger before rationally thinking about why I’m angry and how I can change it or make the situation better. Taking a deep breath, going for a ten minute walk, listening to music are things that will calm me down. Once I am calm, it is easier to review the situation and communicate in a clear and positive manner. Don’t let anger consume you or ruin your day, try to focus on the positive.

Stressors

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What are your stressors?

As a single mom, I have a few stressors in my life. My top stressor would be finances, as it is for most people. I have one income and two kids, I work full-time and pay for; full-time day care, food, housing and school activities. This in turn puts a lot of pressure on me at work to ensure I continue to work hard, and move up in the company so I can provide more for me and my wonderful kids. I’m not only a single mom and a full-time employee but I’m also a student. When my kids go to bed, that is usually my time to focus on school and homework. If you couldn’t tell already, I have a full plate and this at times can cause me to stress out if I don’t stay organize and stick with a strict routine. When I get stressed out, I take a break. My mental health is just as important if not more than my education, family and career. I’m aware of these daily stressors so it is easier for me to control them. There are other kinds of stressors that are out of my control like my kids getting sick, or unexpected and unfortunate events or situations that arise. Either way, it’s important to take a break; 10 minutes, two hours, or even a day if needed. Breathe, and do something for yourself to clear your head to help you through the tough, stressful times.

Heavy and Light

 

I drove to Los Angeles by myself to attend Heavy and Light, To Write Love On Her Arms. It was by far an incredible experience.
I stood in a room full of stories, music and other people that have suffered or struggled like I have.
I overcame a fear, I learned a lot, and I can honestly say how proud I am of myself to have come this far.

Growing up as a teenager, I was scared to be alone, and go places alone. I thought the word “alone” meant “lonely”. Only until the last few years have I learned that there is a major difference between the two. After having two kids, one at the age of 18 and the other at 21 and my husband working swing shift every night, it taught me to grow up. I had to learn to live in our house alone, go to sleep alone, I had to learn how to cook and take care of the kids and the house when he wasn’t home. I was terrified in the beginning, we just bought a brand new house when I was 20 years old, it was about 45 minutes away from family, in a town in the middle of nowhere. I remember the first few weeks I would call the cops every time I heard a noise. It was awful, I had never been alone, I didn’t know what to do.

On January 15th of this month, I made the decision to drive by myself to L.A. and visit the House of Blues for the Heavy and Light show by To Write Love On Her Arms. I got my own hotel, walked around L.A. by myself, went to the show, then the next morning I took a drive to Santa Monica (I’ve never been there before) and walked around with my headphones in along the ocean and had a nice lunch to myself on the pier. The weather was 75 and sunny, couldn’t have picked a better time to go. It was the most empowering experience I’ve ever had. I had moments of anxiety, but I pushed forward and did something I had always wanted to do. A lot of people told me, “Wow I could never do that, I could never travel somewhere alone.” It made me feel proud, and brave. I did it and the best part was, I can’t wait to do it again. Below are some pictures of my trip. 🙂

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My BPD Thoughts

Today is a tough one for me, so I’m going to write this out and see if it makes me feel better. I’ve never actually wrote a blog while I was having an episode. These are my current random thoughts this morning:


 

My heart is racing a million miles a minute, I can’t seem to calm myself down.

I just had therapy yesterday and it well, why do I feel this way?

I called in sick yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well, I was stressed, I had a lot of things to take care of, yet nothing was accomplished. I tried. Why can’t anything go right for once?

Finances suck balls; Registration is due, speeding ticket is due, smog check is due, car needs repairs. Of course, everything falls into my lap all at once. #57 BPD

I tried to book a hotel for a future small trip I’m taking soon and of course I booked it for the wrong day, I wasn’t thinking. I call customer service and after trying to resolve the issue; I snapped at the lady. I rarely lose my temper, especially when the issue was my own damn fault. Why did I do that? Now I feel bad and I can’t apologize.

I had to come into work today, although I feel that nobody really needs me around here I’d still feel bad if I left. Why do I feel bad? My health should be my number one concern.

They took a job task away from me yesterday and gave it to someone else while I was out of the office. That fucking hurts, they know I’m always asking for more, they know I need the challenge. Why did they do that to me? They must hate me.

My thoughts are all over the place. Why can’t I calm down and just breathe?

Another admin at work is vindictive; nobody likes her. She’s picking a fight with me via email and there’s nothing I can do about it. I really wish she didn’t work here anymore. Wait. I really wish I didn’t work here anymore. Fuck this place.

I sleep 10 hours a day and it’s not enough, I’m so exhausted. I must be slipping into depression.

I’m hiding in my cubicle today, trying to catch up from yesterday. I can’t focus on anything! If one more person walks over and asks for something, I might lose it. Let me at least have my coffee first and catch up on my damn emails.

My boss last week told me that he knows when I am struggling with my disorder. I asked how he could tell aside from alienating myself from everyone in the workplace and hiding in my cubicle with my headphones in. He said, “I can tell because on days you struggle, you look like shit! You don’t do your hair, you don’t do your make-up, you look so exhausted.” His phone rang it was an “Important call” and he shushed me away. He apologized the next day, but why does it still bother me? I don’t even want to look at him. I always keep it professional and try to look my best. Knowing that I’m struggling today, do I look like shit? Can people tell?

Nobody has yet to ask me if I’m feeling okay? Did they even notice I was gone yesterday? Fuck, even my boss didn’t acknowledge my text about calling in sick yesterday. I guess he doesn’t give a shit. Nobody cares.

Apparently I forgot to punch out for lunch last week. They didn’t make the corrections because I was out of the office so now I’m going to be shorted on my paycheck tomorrow. Let’s just add onto the financial stress! #68 BPD

I just really want to be in bed, watching friends. That always makes me feel better.

I’m trying to find a new place on my own, but with an eviction 3 years ago and bankruptcy, I keep getting rejected. I’m never going to find a place for me and my kids. Stupid past mistakes! I’ve come so far, I really wish someone would give me a chance.

Headphones are in; music isn’t helping. Music almost always helps. I must be having a really bad low.

Kayla, all this shit is just in your head. I’m usually positive, think positive!

Just took my Lamictal, wish I didn’t have to take meds to calm me down. Why am I not strong enough to control these ridiculous thoughts?

Tonight is my night off without babies. A night to myself. OMG I can’t wait to do absolutely nothing! Yup, I must be slipping into depression. I always keep myself busy, but fuck it. I don’t want to right now.

My heart is still beating out of my chest. I need to focus. Breathe.

Why did I turn out this way? Why do I still struggle every once in a while? What triggered this?

Please dear God, don’t let me break down crying in the office. That would be embarrassing.

I need to schedule an appointment for taxes, I usually always get a lot back every year. What if I don’t? I really want to pay off debt but with my luck, I’ll have to owe this year. Sigh.

This feels weird opening up and venting to complete strangers, I hate complaining. I usually always keep to myself.

I’m not going to let this ruin my day, I can’t. I’m okay.

I can make it through one bad day. I’m not dying, it could be so much worse. Cheer up Kayla.

Nobody hates you. I have two beautiful kids that love me and a very loving boyfriend. Gosh he’s amazing.

I need to stop fighting this episode and just embrace it. I got this. It’s okay to be okay. #51 BPD

I have so many things to be grateful for. I need to focus on that, oh and these damn reports that are overdue.

This isn’t my all time low, I’ve felt worse before. I picked myself up then, I can pick myself up now.

I should get back to work, after I get some more coffee of course, and food. Food always makes me feel better.

Breathe. Just Breathe. I am not alone. I can overcome this.

Peace out.

 

 

 

BPD Things #1: Understanding

#1 BPD

 

How many of us feel this way? From time to time I will get frustrated with myself because I can’t figure me out. Am I borderline? Am I bipolar? Am I cyclothymic? Or am I just a woman that struggles with PMS? I don’t know. Then again I don’t want to label myself as anything either so I try not to worry or think about it. I like to read and do research on mental illness. I love doing anything that involves learning or self-improvement. I try to have a positive mindset and not focus on the negative things in life. I tell myself one thing, I’m only 27, I’m still learning who I am, what I like and don’t like. I strongly believe that people change the most in their twenties; therefore how can we completely understand ourselves? It’s okay to not have all the answers. We can’t beat ourselves up over it. One day we will understand and it will all make sense.

Spotify

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Good Morning!!

One way I express myself is through music. Now, I’m not artistic, I do not play instruments but just listening and singing to music completely changes my mood. Helps me relax.

If you don’t have Spotify, I recommend it! If you have it, click on browse and search for “The Cure for Loneliness”. This album has gotten me through so much being single and often times alone.

-Stay Alive

-Can’t stop Now

-Try Happiness

-Lost and Found

-Somebody Loves You

These are just a few of my favorites. Check it out. 🙂

Lyrics

thoughts

 

Robot Koch – Nitesky Lyrics

No one knows what it’s like
You and me, you and I
Underneath the night sky
You and me, you and I

I get lost all the time
In my thoughts, in my mind
You come through like a light
In the dark, give me sight

If you let my soul out
You let my soul out
You let my soul out
It will come right back to you

If you let my soul out
You let my soul out
You let my soul out
It will come right back to you

I will come right back to you
Come right back
Come right back to you

No one sees what it’s like
You and me, you and I
Never go, never hide
You and me, you and I

If you let my soul out
You let my soul out
You let my soul out
It will come right back to you

If you let my soul out
You let my soul out
You let my soul out
It will come right back to you

If you let my soul out
You let my soul out
You let my soul out
It will come right back to you

If you…

My Challenge Video

I know how annoying these can be to everyone but I was challenged by my brother-in-law to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. I donated to ALS and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). I nominated some of my favorite people. This was a fun thing to do and made me smile in the process. I decided to post my video. Don’t mind my mothers giggle. haha

100 Loves List

100 LOVES LIST

A friend of mine recently challenged me to make a list of 100 things that make me happy. I thought this could be a fun exercise to cultivate a sense of joy and thankfulness. This list tells a lot about who I am and what I value. I challenge you to make a list of your own. Include anything that makes you laugh, love and reminisce – and always remember how much there is to be thankful for!

My 100 loves list:

1) My kids

2) My Family

3) My Friends

3) Music

4) Craft Beer

5) Running

6) Outdoor Activities

7) Reading a good book

8) Baseball (Go SF Giants!)

9) A deep conversation with a close friend

10) Fall

11) Friends TV Show

12) The unconditional love of my family

13) Bon Fires

14) Organization

15) Road Trips

16) Long Warm Showers

17) Cooking

18) My mom’s Chicken Cordon Bleu

19) Sitting at the dinner table with my whole family most nights

20) My morning coffee

21) Computers

22) Anything Paris Themed

23) Getting Dolled up from time to time

24) Hoodies

25) Cold winter nights

26) Holidays with my family

27) Taking my kids to school

28) Cuddling

29) Movie Nights

30) Bike rides with my kids

31) Laughing with siblings

32) Giving gifts

33) My sister and best friend

34) Board games

35) Drinking enough water

36) Going to the lake

37) Live music

38) Late nights

39) Having a routine

40) Good glass of wine

41) New Clothes

42) Girl Talks

43) The beach

44) Driving with the windows down

45) Date nights

46) Spring cleaning

47) Grocery Shopping

48) Having a savings account

49) Laughing until I cry

50) Watching a good comedy

51) “French Kiss”

52) Helping my daughter with her homework

53) Hot air balloons

54) Traveling

55) Austin, Tx

56) Discussing future travel plans

57) Six Flags with my kids

58) Problem Solving

59) School

60) Photography

61) Summer

62) Helping Others

63) Blasting music in my car and singing by myself

64) My coworkers

65) Crockpot recipes

66) Wearing Boots

67) Positive People

68) Restoring old furniture

69) Bargain shopping

70) Writing my feelings down

71) That feeling of perfecting something

72) Being sore after a great workout

73) Spontaneity

74) Hearing my daughters real laugh

75) Driving

76) Laying in the Sun

77) Going to the movies

78) Paying off debt

79) DIY Projects

80) Eating the best steak

81) Manners

82) Perfect Grammar

83) Challenging “Mind” Games

84) Flip Flops

85) Maxi dresses

86) Annual Cooking baking day

87) Traditions

88) Pizza and Beer night in’s

89) A clean house

90) Having every window open on a nice summer day

91) Feeling loved and appreciated everyday

92) Romantic Movies

93) Sudoku

94) Great conversations

95) Play Dates with my kids

96) Surprises

97) Watching the sunrise and set

98) Red Bulls

99) Saturday naps

100) Companionship

Looking over this list reminds me that having a full life, doesn’t necessarily mean having a full calendar. I hope you find as much joy creating your list as I did mine! Never forget to count your blessings. Life is good.